Woman at a fence

Why my divorce happened for me by Stacey Lewis

What if…..just what if…..you dared to allow yourself to think about who you would be if you were stripped of all your roles.

If I am not, Stacey the mother, Stacey the wife, Stacey the Physiotherapist, Stacey the friend….who am I? I recall one of the first child-free weekends post divorce….waking up as Stacey, just Stacey. It was initially rather scary. After almost 12 years of being in a relationship, I was petrified of even contemplating myself without a role. That first weekend was lonely and daunting. I initially felt scared of being in my own company. As a mother of three young children, I was conditioned to chaos. I feared the silence. It was strange. After what felt like an eternity, I began to dare myself to think: What were all the things I would dream about doing if only I had the time, one day when the kids leave home. Despite the fear, I felt an underlying sense of wonder.

As I slowly began to wade and work through my pain and I reached a point of acceptance that I actually was, indeed, getting divorced, I felt a shift within. I felt able to actually begin the process of daring to dream and design a future for Stacey herself. It’s quite interesting – 12 years is not a lifetime, but it was sufficient time for me to stray so far from my essence that I was so out of touch with what I actually wanted. I realised that I had been so consumed in playing my “roles” that I had become disconnected from the things that fed my soul. It took me some time to figure out and rediscover what I actually enjoyed. What was also exciting is that I discovered some new things about myself.

I was privileged enough to have consulted with a life coach. At the time, I was very unathletic. This particular coach dared me to run a 21 kilometre race. The thought of this was almost paralysing and I quickly came up with ten reasons why I couldn’t even dare to attempt this goal. This coach convinced me to try…..and I did it….five months later. I literally moved from zero to hero in a matter of months.

The sense of accomplishment was indescribable. I felt powerful and capable….even a little fearless. That was one of my defining “aha” moments in the early years post divorce. Breaking through that fear barrier was a catalyst for so many more. I realised that I was so much more capable than I had ever dreamed.

I can honestly say that today, almost eight years post divorce, I am a different person. I actually like that person. I have discovered so much more about myself and realised that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I have shifted my mindset from thinking that, as opposed to my divorce having happened to me, it actually happened for me.

Leave a Comment