What I was thinking and feeling when…

What was I thinking and feeling when…

…He said he was leaving, without warning or explanation – I was shocked and then horrified and then ashamed and then absolutely grief stricken. At this point, all I could think of is that I did not want to be alone. I remember begging a male friend of mine to please marry me……anything to take away the pain and recreate the complete family that was now missing a part.

…He said we could try again – I was so absolutely relieved but equally petrified. It was as if I was constantly on trial. My anxiety was totally overwhelming as I prayed he would fight for me and choose me over the other woman.

…He never tried to make things work and he didn’t fight for me – I felt let down, abandoned, not good enough and so so sad. At the same time, I felt humiliated and ashamed and very very angry. I possibly could have killed him with my bare hands, had I been given the opportunity.

…It would have been our wedding anniversary that wasn’t – I felt so desperately sad. I also wondered what he was thinking – did he even give me a thought on that day? The rejection and sadness felt more intense.

…It was the year of all the firsts; first holiday as a divorcee, first birthday as a divorcee ……. I felt so alone and this was amplified on all of these “first” occasions.

…I went to court to officially get divorced, two and a half years later – by this stage I was involved in another relationship, but this milestone seemed to reopen some of the wounds that had only been superficially healed. The court experience was daunting and so clinical. A relationship of so many years annulled in 30 seconds. I felt anxious, traumatized and panicked. I was now officially and legally spouseless. I literally felt as if I could not breathe.

…I woke up, about a year later at 10am on a kid-free weekend – I felt recharged, rested and excited to spend a weekend of “me time”. I felt comfortable in my own skin and happy in my own space. I no longer felt lonely in this space and I cherished the quiet and stillness. I clearly remember this day. This was the first time I could confidently say that I knew life was going to be okay.


  1. Fahiema Manan

    I am in the divorce process NOW and everything you have written applies to me…
    He wanted out…he had already prepared himself that he wanted a divorce, leaving me completely devastated and in total shock. After some discussion, he said we could try again. I went back to him, walking on egg shell all the time, too scared to ask or say anything.
    He made no effort and did not do anything to work on our relationship…it was as if he was showing me, this is how I want things to be from now, him living his life the way he wanted to, and if I wanted him, I had to accept that way of life.
    This I could not cope with, nor handle, and forced things to a head. I think he thought that by me going back to him, I would accept whatever he wanted.
    Now my journey has started, pain and loneliness, and still dealing with the shock of it all… I still think on some days…”is this actually happening to me?”

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