What was I thinking and feeling when…
…He said he was leaving, without warning or explanation – I was shocked and then horrified and then ashamed and then absolutely grief stricken. At this point, all I could think of is that I did not want to be alone. I remember begging a male friend of mine to please marry me……anything to take away the pain and recreate the complete family that was now missing a part.
…He said we could try again – I was so absolutely relieved but equally petrified. It was as if I was constantly on trial. My anxiety was totally overwhelming as I prayed he would fight for me and choose me over the other woman.
…He never tried to make things work and he didn’t fight for me – I felt let down, abandoned, not good enough and so so sad. At the same time, I felt humiliated and ashamed and very very angry. I possibly could have killed him with my bare hands, had I been given the opportunity.
…It would have been our wedding anniversary that wasn’t – I felt so desperately sad. I also wondered what he was thinking – did he even give me a thought on that day? The rejection and sadness felt more intense.
…It was the year of all the firsts; first holiday as a divorcee, first birthday as a divorcee ……. I felt so alone and this was amplified on all of these “first” occasions.
…I went to court to officially get divorced, two and a half years later – by this stage I was involved in another relationship, but this milestone seemed to reopen some of the wounds that had only been superficially healed. The court experience was daunting and so clinical. A relationship of so many years annulled in 30 seconds. I felt anxious, traumatized and panicked. I was now officially and legally spouseless. I literally felt as if I could not breathe.
…I woke up, about a year later at 10am on a kid-free weekend – I felt recharged, rested and excited to spend a weekend of “me time”. I felt comfortable in my own skin and happy in my own space. I no longer felt lonely in this space and I cherished the quiet and stillness. I clearly remember this day. This was the first time I could confidently say that I knew life was going to be okay.