It’s dark. I can’t breathe. There is a heavy pressure on my chest. I am more awake than asleep. I’m in my bed. I’m trying to keep my thoughts concentrated on…..nothing. It’s not working. I keep my eyes closed and try to slowly force oxygen up my nose and push it out in a gust from my mouth. The air feels stale and it’s doing nothing to calm me. I am so damn tired that if I don’t find sleep soon, I’m not sure how I will carry on. Let me try a little longer.
Ok, now I am fully awake. I squeeze my eyes tightly closed. I am desperate to hide from what I know will slam into my conscious brain any second now. Please G-d no – I’m too tired to deal with it now…………..,..,.,.,,,,,
I AM GETTING DIVORCED
Too late. Nowhere to hide. My eyes spring open and now my breathing has become laboured..
I AM GETTING DIVORCED
Are you sure???, I ask myself. Maybe I’m dreaming? Can’t be me?? That’s not my life! That’s not who I am! I am married. I love my husband. He loves me.
Is this my life? Am I having a nightmare?
NO I’M AWAKE! I AM GETTING DIVORCED
No stopping it now. My thoughts are like poison and press the brain switch to flood my body with cortisol – sending my heart into race mode. The loneliness and panic of this witching hour swallow me. I feel scared. I feel dead inside.
“Please G-d”, I whisper, “help me”
This is now my terrifying reality. Silent, black moments like this. Hours of torment with no sleep and my thoughts as my only company. Every night, the thoughts are the same. And every night, they shock me as much as the night before…….
MY HUSBAND HAS LEFT ME.
THE MAN I TRUSTED WITH MY LIFE, HAS HAD AN AFFAIR.
HE BETRAYED ME.
HE LET ME DOWN
HE HAS DEVASTATED OUR CHILDREN
HOW WILL I SURVIVE THIS PAIN?
HOW COULD HE HAVE THROWN ME AWAY?
MY LIFE IS OVER
NO….. MY CHILDREN NEED ME……I CAN’T LET THIS BEAT ME…….
I CAN’T DO THIS……….
The tears arrive. I hear a sob escape my mouth. A memory of my husband arrives out of nowhere. It’s one of the hardest. No please not this one. It’s too sore……
….I am giving birth and he is holding my hand. He kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me so much. Our warm, beautiful son is placed on my chest. We are both crying. We look into each other’s eyes, overwhelmed by this blessing and miracle……
STOP IT, I tell myself. ENOUGH of this torture. Don’t think. Don’t remember.
Suddenly one of my small children arrive in my bedroom. I haven’t the energy to take him back to his own bed. He climbs in next to me, touches my arm and is sleeping in seconds, with the comfort of mom being close, as his sedative. His warm little presence comforts me too. I breathe in the lovely shampoo smell of his hair.
My tears flow again. My pillow is wet. My nose is blocked.
Next thing I know, my alarm clock goes off. I open my swollen eyes. I must have fallen asleep.
It’s a new day.
I’m still alive.
The pain was so bad in the night, that it crossed my mind that I might just die.
The sunlight that is greeting me, helps me get out of bed. Have I gone mad? To have had the idea in the night that I could actually die from my heart pain and soul pain. I smile to myself, at myself…..
This experience had probably made me a little crazy. But…..
I’m up. I’m getting dressed. I’m forcing down some oats for breakfast. I’m waking my children for school. I’m even faking a smile for them. Last thing they need is to see me looking bad and sad AGAIN!
Maybe…. I’m going to get through this. Maybe I’m going to survive the betrayal, the fear, the pain……
And Maybe I’ll survive getting DIVORCED. I’m not sure yet and I’m not sure how I will feel tomorrow. But today…. I think MAYBE I will….
And that’s better than yesterday.